My journey with medication
This page will discuss all of the medication I've taken to help with my mental conditions. This is meant to register their side effects, and how my body reacted to them. I'm a firm believer that helping people also needs to address difficult topics such as mental health, and this became very taboo in online spaces to the point of censoring words like suicide. I find this very offensive and hyprocitical, as these horrible things will keep happening even if you choose to rename them "unalive" or silly words to avoid difficult truths.
PLEASE, keep in mind that all of these were prescibed to me by competent psychiatrists and that you shouldn't abuse any of these substances. Seek professional help and use anything you take responsibly. This is not a page to discuss drug abuse, as I've never been an addict and took everything here under the supervision of qualified professionals. I'm begging you to seek help if you're an addict or are considering abusing anything.
Finally, I'll refer to all of the meds with the name of the molecule and not their commercial name. These varies from country to country and even from brand to brand. I wanna be as helpful as possible and so I'll try to keep this informational.
Helping with what?
Psychiatry helps treat symptoms, and not conditions. You could use a medication prescribed to schizophrenics while not being schizophrenic, simply because you display similar conditions. This is important to keep in mind. I've been professionnally diagnosed with depression, anxiety, autism spectrum disorder, mild OCD and PTSD. Despite these challenges, I've been able to live somewhat decently thanks to medication, but most of all, thanks to the therapy I've been receiving. I'm a strong believer that helping the root of your issue is more pressing than to take every medication under the sun, but at some point, I've been able to realize that both can work in tandem. Mental health is a long journey, and my hope is to be able to be free of all this suffering someday. I hope to help you too, in some way.
Hydroxyzine
Alprazolam (Xanax)
Prazepam
Escitalopram
Risperidone
Quetiapine (Xeroquel)
Aripiprazole
This was the first medication I've ever been prescribed back in 2021 to help with sleep issues and panic attacks. Hydroxyzine helps you relax and in my experience, is really effective in making you sleep. I've been sleeping like a log whenever I take some, so it's truly great to put you to sleep. However, as my anxiety kept growing, during instances of extreme anguish and panic it stopped working and I felt it lingering in my system in a very awful manner. It also made me skip waking up at normal hours several times, and keeps your head in cotton for about an hour or so after waking up, but otherwise it's very harmless, does what it's supposed to do and is not addictive. I've been taking it on and off during different periods of time, sometimes for months, sometimes not at all, and you don't feel any withdrawal. Safe and useful in my opinion.
First benzodiazepine I've tried to help with panic attacks and severe anxiety and it was a catastrophic experience for me personally. It didn't work on me at all and I felt more paranoid than ever the more I took. I never understood how people used it as a recreational drug because it just made me extremely confused, slow in my movements and spatially confused. I used it for three months but I tolerate it badly, so I'll never use it again.
Second benzo I've tried and now it's my anxiolitic of choice. Very soft effect, doesn't break you in half but still quite effective in helping with panic and lingering anxiety. I also used it to make me sleep and while it isn't as sedative as Hydroxyzine it's still quite effective while remaining "in the background" if that makes sense. I hate the pills themselves however. They're grainy and have a sweet taste that feels weird in your mouth. However, I'll recommend this benzodiazepine without a doubt. You can easily adjust how much you take or not. Supposedly addictive but I've never abused it nor did I felt any withdrawal. Also, this helps break substance abuse if you're addicted to Alprazolam or Bromazepam by being softer to your system.
The one and only antidepressant I've ever taken. The first month of taking and adjusting to the molecule was pure hell. I felt very confused and tired to no end (I used to take naps in the cellar at my old job for about 30min so that I wouldn't be caught sleeping on the job, so yep, not my proudest time). However, after the adjustement period, I only felt positive effects. I felt more lively, happier, and generally more disposed to enjoy life. I'm still taking it to this day so I cannot testify about its addictive properties, but it does help stabilize the mood a lot. A side effect I've been experiencing that is very unpleasant however is the abrupt reduction in sexual desire. Orgasming takes forever, and getting in the mood can take longer too. Still, it'd be the only thing I'd change about this molecule, because it's otherwise very effective. People have reported being unable to cry on Escitalopram, but I am able to, so.
Now we're entering the wonderful world of antipsychotics. I was very surprised to be prescribed antipsychotics, since I'm not bipolar, nor schizophrenic, but as I said it's not about the diagnosis but the symptoms. My paranoia, outbursts and mood swings due to my autism were becoming so intense that my psychiatrist advised them to help me cope with the outside world and its stimulations. About my review, Risperidone sucked ass. It was uneffective, didn't calm me down, and was hard to dose as it's a liquid and you have to count the drops. It also made my breasts very hard and swollen, and almost got to the point of me developping unvoluntary lactation, so I stopped right away. The positive effect is that you can stop it whenever you want without too many complications, but I would not recommend it.
Quetiapine is another antipsychotic that worked for some time, but ended up being less than ideal. The first issue I have with Quetiapine is how big the pills are, but let's say that's a minor issue (I've been trained to swallow big pills by now). It calmed me down, but was very light, and made me extremely sleepy despite my psychiatrist telling me to take them before going to bed. I've slept for well over 12 hours taking Quetiapine, and I generally felt very tired from any normal activity, especially my work day. The drowziness in the morning is unpleasant. I've overslept many times on Quetiapine and even fell asleep in public transportation if I didn't get at least 8 hours of sleep, and generally could fall asleep practically on command. I've also been having extremely strange dreams on Quetiapine, very vivid and sometimes ended up mixing up dreams and reality and forgetting what happened to me and what didn't. I've also been reported having a violent sleep, thrashing and kicking around, having violent nightmares too.
But the biggest problem with Quetiapine was the weight gain. I'm someone who never gained weight, no matter what I ate, and I have a big appetite paired with a good metabolism. This molecule made me gain over 10 kgs, a first time for me. It's an "harmonious" weight gain if I were to comment on it, because my whole body was just heavier and well-proportionned, but that's the one thing that ended up making me want to quit it. I was underweight before taking these pills so at first I welcomed the weight gain, but it never really stopped and after being informed I could gain as much as 30 kgs I had to stop taking it. I'm currently replacing it with Aripiprazole.
Aripiprazole works like a stimulant for me. Fist of all, it's way better than Quetiapine at managing my anger and stimuli issues, but I'd say one of the major issues has been Akathisia (the need to constantly move around, no position feeling good, and crispation of fingers, legs and toes). This became a major issue, that I'm currently resolving. Otherwise, Aripiprazole made me less tired and wake up at ungodly hours (I've been ready to start the day with no fatigue as early as 6am lol) so that's both a problem and a positive thing I'd say. It's the only short term medication I've taken (as it meaning it lasts less time in the body, so you have to take it several times a day) and it does needs some management but otherwise it's great.
Alcohol, Sun?
Yes, I know you're not supposed to drink when you're under any of the medication I've listed. However, I've drank alcohol (moderately) with all these molecules and ended up fine at best and tired at my worst, but NOT with Quetiapine. Very very dangerous combination if you ask me. Gets you drowzy, confused, and unresponsive. Even Xanax/alcohol felt safer somehow. Don't do it either however, as I do believe the reaction you get changes from individual to individual.